A twenty-somethings kid came to the door a few months after Amelia was born. Clipboard in hand, kindly requesting my utility bill.
I had barely arrived home from the grocery store – slightly frazzled but holding steady.
He stood waiting amongst the mountain of food still on the porch listening to my leg-clinging toddler sing his latest rendition of “Mommy, I want all your time right now-wowow”.
My mind was already racing with freedom because my 4 month old was actually sleeping on her own, in the other room – not on my person.
I didn’t have much time.
I certainly didn’t have time for any utility bill bullshit.
Before children, it would have been easy to pull last month’s statement. Give the guy the info he needed. Bada bing. Bada boom. Done. Back to business.
But, I’d been successfully lowering the bar for some time now and on this day – I was the perfect picture of an unorganized, overwhelmed new mom of two about to lose her shit.
And I think I legit scared the kid.
I was buzzing away on my computer trying to reset my effing password because I cleared some cache thing and now my saved passwords are what one would consider not saved.
And he says “Ma’am, I have another house I need to hit” (solid professionalism) “How about I come back in a few minutes once things have calmed down.”
Which I thought was cute because did he actually think it was going to be calmer once the baby woke up?
I agreed, however, grateful to have the space to complete this simple task without someone popping bubble gum over my shoulder.
As the door clicked closed though – something hit me. My entire body was in some sort of energetic upheaval.
Heart pounding, heavy chest with an overall buzzy yuck.
And I realized my gut was yelling, “Something’s not right here.”
I was being scammed.
I googled it to be true (which you can do with just about anything these days) and unlocked the greatest tool – intuition.
I mean, I’d always had it – that little voice saying all the things. I just hadn’t been listening all the time.
Frankly, she seemed a little crazy.
But, this was an undeniable act of vibrations pulsing through my body as stress & anxiety – that I couldn’t help but hear loud and clear.
An act that ultimately helped me further the trust in my own inner workings – my own knowing.
There is definitely a learning curve. My brain wants to go a million different directions sometimes and I don’t know what’s what or the best step forward.
I often get confused and make choices that I don’t feel good about.
But – when I have the time to sit with myself and really listen to all that crazy chatter – the good, the bad & the ugly- without judgement – I am able to untangle those energetic threads that have gone haywire.
In that silence and stillness I can remember the big picture and I am able to move forward with focus.
And with focus comes action – and with action comes change.
You know me, I love to love the good. I will follow the sparks and the sychronicities of life trusting that carefree, happy little voice inside of me all the way.
But the truth is – that isn’t the whole picture. I realized that I was not allowing space for the not-so-warm fuzzy feelings to exist alongside.
While holding onto the good, I was dismissing & burying the bad. Consequently, missing important wisdom & guidance that can only be found in challenge & upheaval.
Over the course of a lifetime, I’ve been pushing seemingly negative thoughts & feelings, frustrations & disappointment deep down inside – rather than listening and learning in the moment. As a result, I find that they are now surfacing as anger & aggression when I’m empty or in need of self care.
I now see the importance of that balance – the importance of listening to my body’s energetic communications and allowing space for both the comfortable and the uncomfortable.
I see that I can be both.
The coolest part is that all of my feelings – the good, the bad & the ugly have something to offer towards the direction & betterment of my life, regardless of the label I give them.
The experience is mine to perceive.
So, the next time my intuition makes me feel like I should check myself into rehab – I will create time in my busy day to sit and untangle those thoughts – to resume focus – knowing that it will lead me exactly where I want to go if I’m willing to listen.
And wouldn’t you know it – that kid never came back.
